impossible happiness

"For several instants I experience a happiness that is impossible in an ordinary state, and of which other people have no conception. I feel full harmony in myself and in the whole world, and the feeling is so strong and sweet that for a few seconds of such bliss one could give up ten years of life, perhaps all of life.


I felt that heaven descended to earth and swallowed me. I really attained god and was imbued with him. All of you healthy people don't even suspect what happiness is , that happiness that we epileptics experience for a second before an attack."

Fedor Dostoievski

Paranoid Personality Disorder

People with PPD do not trust other people. In fact, the central characteristic of people with PPD is a high degree of mistrustfulness and suspicion when interacting with others. Even friendly gestures are often interpreted as being manipulative or malevolent. Whether the patterns of distrust and suspicion begin in childhood or in early adulthood, they quickly come to dominate the lives of those suffering from PPD. Such people are unable or afraid to form close relationships with others.

Now I wonder, is there a Paranoid Mexican Disorder? Who, in these days trust somebody, who has some degree of trust when interacting with others.  Specially friendly gestures from strangers often are interpreted as malevolent.  Or how should we think of eachother when all houses, cars, and possesions are locked up. As much as our personal information is however carefully hidden by every member of this country. Now streets are empty at night, and roads are isolated.    I will refrain my question, Is Paranoid Personality a disorder these days?

we can belive different things, dad.

Sounds and Thoughts

There has been two constants in my life only, one is the reproduction of sounds in my head, the other is the reproduction on thoughts in my head.

Since I remember I always knew, met and discovered the world through my ears, and a little through processing ideas constantly in my head.

Until today there's still a queston in my head about why I didn't dedicate my life to music. Why? I still haven't figured it out. What I did do was to develop a high sensibility to music, to sounds in general: voices, languages, music.

Basically what I heard, was constantly repeated in my head; what I read, was constantly repeated and re processed in my head too. This "feature" brought me both happiness and disgrace.

On one hand I can feel amazing things out of music, some times I even have felt shivers running through my body as I hear a concert. On the other side, I have had trouble controlling my mind all the time. These thoughts became so loud and constant that I find myself sometimes thinking too much, to the point where my emotions and personality change as a result of this maelstrom of thoughts.

Recently I realized it is mandatory for me to follow a technique to learn to control my own mind. My mind became a hellhound that sabotages me at times, yet I still feel a creative part striking to get out.
          Me.

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

¿Dónde están los hombres? - prosiguió al fin el principito -. Se está un poco solo en el desierto...
También se está solo entre los hombres - dijo la serpiente.

I'm affraid that sometimes you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win, 'cause you'll play against you.